March 2010

"My boyfriend and I have tried to have sex for the first time, but we're both virgins and a little clueless. It's INCREDIBLY painful for me when he just starts to enter, even with lube. Do I need to just suck it up (not literally) and get through it? Or is there something I can do (a position, a tactic, anything?)? THANK YOU!!!"

Thank you for contacting Sex Out Loud! You're definitely not alone in this situation by any means and it's good to seek out answers. First of all I would talk with your boyfriend about this, the best thing to do is communicate. You can make it a fun and engaging conversation, it definitely doesn't need to be awkward because sex should a fun, mutually satisfying activity. The analogy that I would use would be since sex is a physical activity, it's kind of like a sport and as an athlete you need to make sure you warm up properly otherwise the muscles in your body aren't quite ready to go and you might not be in the right mindset at that given moment. Make sure you're ready, which could include fooling around (aka warming up) extensively before you engage in sex and definitely use lube and lots of it! People use lube not just in the beginning of having sex but continuously throughout it, so definitely use more if need be. In regards to positions, there are hundreds of positions out there but many female bodied individuals may prefer being on top during parts of sex because they can control the tempo a little more, so you may consider that, but do whatever is most comfortable for you. I wouldn't consider yourself clueless at all, everyone starts off in the same situation. Just keep in mind that you are new at this and everything you're going through is perfectly fine. Sex should always be a consensual activity and if you don't want to do anything, you don't have to.

"I am interested in volunteering and working with Sex Out Loud. Is that possible?"

You most definitely are welcome to volunteer with our organization! Send an e-mail to Lia at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it Currently, we're also hiring and you can find more information on our website. We'll be accepting applications until April 16th."

September 2008

"How high is the risk of pregnancy if you engage in 'dry sex' (genital touching, no penetration)?"

If you are engaging in dry sex (especially if you have a layer or two of clothing on), the risk is quite small. Anytime you have heterosexual penile-vaginal contact, however, there is always a chance of pregnancy, since pre-cum or semen could potentially get into the vagina (though without penetration, again, the chance is very small). If you or your partner is concerned, add a condom; it has the added benefit of protection from STIs, which have greater potential of transmission in a situation like this than pregnancy.

"I'm dating a woman who is a virgin and has never orgasmed. I'm wondering not what I can do to help her orgasm, but what tips you all might have for helping her achieve orgasm. Thanks for the help."

We women sometimes get the message that we should orgasm quickly and from penetration alone. However these two things rarely occur; in fact, many people argue that for women, orgasm is a learned behavior. Thus, many women (regardless of age, sexual plans, or relationships) find a great deal of orgasmic benefit in masturbation. Learn what pleases you--where you like to be touched, where you don't like to be touched, what you like to think/say/hear/see while touching or being touched, etc. Hands are awesome for this, as are a variety of vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys.

There are two main benefits to masturbation. First, we are in total control of the type of stimulation we receive; we know exactly what feels good and what doesn't. Second, we are all alone. Sometimes during sex, we worry about what we look/smell/taste like, or we worry that we're taking too long to come, or something else that distracts us from pleasure. None of those aspects come into play with masturbation.

As far as specific techniques go, many women find the clitoris to be a great place to start. With fingers or a vibrator, you can find the clitoris located about an inch and a half to two inches above the vaginal opening, beneath a small fold of tissue known as the clitoral hood. Some women love to have direct, intense clitoral stimulation; for others, this is too much, and indirect stimulation is preferable. Other good places to try out are the G-spot (located about an inch or an inch and a half inside the vagina on the front wall, towards the belly button), the T-zone (deeper into the vagina, about 4-5 inches towards the back wall) or the anus. However, these are just suggestions; whatever feels good feels good, and is completely normal.

Finally, one thing to avoid is feeling like sex is only "good" if it involves orgasm. Orgasm can be intensely pleasurable, but sometimes we get so caught up in our quest to achieve it that we sort of get in a mental bind. Building something up in our minds as a sexual goal or something we "have to" do is a really quick way to guarantee that it won't happen, or won't happen all that well. So cut yourself (or your partner) some slack--orgasms (especially for women) don't usually happen like the ultra-fast, ultra-amazing ones we see in, er, film. They take some time and (sometimes) work. And that's okay.

"I'm a big eater. I like food and sex. How do I convince my GF that it is safe to put food in her cha-cha for me to nibble on?"

Mixing food and sex is a great idea for many people. Keep in mind a couple of things before you start eating a whole buffet in the nether regions:

• Oils. Any foods such as whipped cream, chocolate, peanut butter, etc. have oils in them and will break down latex barriers. So either use polyurethane condoms/dams or after the eating/eating out, take a shower (which can add more variety to your session) and then continue with more activity(s).
• Sugar. Any foods with sugar (fruits, candy, syrups, BBQ sauce, etc.) can lead to yeast infections in both females and males. If you still want desert, place a dam between the area and the food. Or just make sure to keep it above/below the waist area. And wash those fingers after!
• Allergies. No one wants to find out that they have an allergy to a particular food when it's spread all over their vagina/penis. Test/eat/lick any food on another smaller area, such as the inside of the wrist or elbow (where the skin is thin and wear you can easily wash the food off) to make sure that your partner only has an ecstatic reaction to the food, instead of an itchy, burning one.
• Spicy food. If you have ever cut a jalapeno open and then rubbed your eyes after and noticed a reddening/burning sensation, you should be aware that adding spicy foods to a sensitive/nerve-rich area can lead to some uncomfortable sensations. Experiment again in a smaller, controlled areas such as the inside of the arm.
• Pesticides. Cucumbers (carrots, cauliflower, parsnips, etc.) can be a great way to add another sex toy into your session (not to mention delicious). Just make sure to wash it well, buy organic, and/or wrap it in a condom first. This is also to ensure that if a piece of broccoli breaks off in your partner, it's easily removed because it's in the condom. If you don't enjoy the smell of latex around your food, polyurethane condoms have very little scent and are a great alternative to making sure that you and your partner are safe, protected, and enjoying all the foods and amazing sensations as much as possible.

While incorporating food into sex can be safe and fun, keep in mind that all partners' uncertainties and hesitations must be respected when exploring different sexual activities.

"Have you ever farted while someone was going down on you? How can I prevent this from happening?"

The first thing to remember is that sex is unquestionably a funny activity--naked, sweaty bodies producing all sorts of various sights, secretions, and scents. That said, sometimes we get nervous about the various things our bodies do, especially if we're having trouble controlling them. If you're worried about gas during sex, pay attention to what you're eating; get to know what sorts of foods cause gas for you. It may be typical culprits, like beans or broccoli, but it may also be something more unexpected, like dairy or candy. Avoid these foods in the day or days before you think you might get lucky, and this should help cut down on gas. If you still find yourself with the urge to fart while receiving oral, you and your partner can momentarily stop and engage in another activity for a while until the urge passes. Finally, if you are female, it may be helpful to note there is a difference between a fart and a queef or vart (vaginal fart). Queefing occurs when air that has been pushed into the vagina escapes, making a noise that sounds exactly like a fart. This can be minimized by avoiding activities which push air into the vagina, such as rapid thrusting or deep penetration.

"My partner has no problem keeping an erection except when it comes to putting on a condom because of the sensation of the restriction. We haven't had vaginal sex yet because we'd like to stay protected, and we're wondering how condom use can be more 'penis-friendly'."

While no one is "too big" for a condom, some people do find certain ones to be uncomfortable and may prefer a larger size. We have plenty of condoms in the Sex Out Loud office for you to explore. You might also want to try adding a drop of lube inside the condom to make it feel more natural and less restricting. Also, sometimes putting on a condom in the heat of the moment can be a bit nerve-wracking, so you both might benefit if he practices on his own to get comfortable with using them. If none of these suggestions work, try using a receptive condom which takes the restriction off him while still providing an effective barrier method. They're available at most drugstores and we also offer them in our office where we'd be more than happy to better explain how they're used!

December 2007

"I'm on birth control (and I take it regularly - same time or within 15 minutes) is there still a chance I could get pregnant if I have sex without a condom? I am not concerned about STDs because it would be with my boyfriend, but I was just concerned about pregnancy."

The chance of pregnancy while on the pill is extremely small; less than 1%. Even if you don't take the pill at exactly the same time each day, if you take one pill every 24 hours, the risk is minimal. However, don't forget that there are things that may alter the pill's effectiveness after you've taken it. If you vomit or have diarrhea after taking your pill, consider using a backup method (like a condom) for the next week or so. There is a popular idea that antibiotics can reduce the effectiveness of the birth control pill, but this is thought to be overstated; rifampin is the only antibiotic shown conclusively to reduce the pill's efficacy, and it's not widely prescribed. So if you're feeling healthy (no vomiting or diarrhea), you're taking your pill every day, you're not on rifampin, the pill is an extremely effective form of contraception. Don't forget that the pill doesn't protect against STIs though, so if you're not in a monogamous relationship, strongly consider adding a barrier method to your contraceptive repertoire. -- SexOutLoud Response

The combined estrogen and progesterone oral contraceptive pills have a less than 1% failure rate with correct use (as described in the question) and an up to 8% failure rate with "typical" use; which includes missed pills or inconsistent pill use. Factors that may reduce the effectiveness of the pills include missing doses, inconsistently taking the pills, or taking certain medications that interfere with the absorption of the pills (certain anti-seizure drugs and the drug Rifampin). Illness with prolonged vomiting or diarrhea (lasting more than 24 hours) may reduce the effectiveness of the pills by reducing the absorption of doses. Women who weigh over 150 pounds may have less protection from birth control pills than women who weigh less. If a woman misses 2 or more pills in a row, whether these pills are taken later or not, condoms should be used for sex until active pills have been taken for 7 days after the missed doses. If there is any question about whether pills have been taken correctly, use condoms until you have talked with your clinician about the situation. The combined oral contraceptives do not have to be taken at precisely the same time every day to be effective. For example; if a person chooses to take the pills in the morning, she could vary the time she takes them from day-to-day between 8am and 12pm and still consider this "on time." Progesterone-only oral contraceptive pills DO need to be taken within a 2-hour window each day to be effective and do have a slightly higher failure rate than the combined pills. -- Beth Bruckbauer - Nurse Practicioner - University Health Services Women's Clinic

"Do you know how long it takes the average women to achieve orgasm once clitoral and/or vaginal stimulation has begun?"

There is no hard and fast answer to this question. Some women have orgasms extremely quickly, some take a bit longer; it varies from woman to woman and it also varies from sex act to sex act (i.e. the same woman can orgasm very quickly during one encounter and take much longer during the next). The best way to ensure your female partner's orgasm is to ask her how she likes to be stimulated, or, better yet, watch her masturbate; then, you can see exactly how she pleasures herself.

April 2008

"When I masturbate, I get to what I think is very close to having an orgasm, but then the feeling becomes too intense and I can't finish - what should I do?"

The first thing to remember is that having an orgasm doesn't always have to be a sexual goal, whether it is self-play or with a partner. For many of us, there is a strong psychological component to orgasm, and if we can lift that feeling of obligation, that we "have to" orgasm, it can help a lot. Physically, the most important thing is to listen to what our bodies are telling us, which means, for example, touching where it feels best to be touched--not where we heard we were "supposed" to touch. Starting slow--for example, rubbing the breasts or stroking the balls for awhile before engaging in direct genital stimulation--can also help to fully arouse the body and prepare it for orgasm. Finally, combining both elements of mind and body can help. By conjuring up a sexy fantasy, or looking at erotica, we can take a bit of our focus away from the intensity of the physical sensations.

"I had un-planned sex with my girlfiend and at that time she was having her period. Can she get pregnant?"

It is possible, but it is fairly unlikely. The risk of pregnancy from unprotected sex during a woman's period comes from the fact that sperm cells can live inside the female body for up to an entire week. The average woman will not ovulate until 14 days after the first day of her period (i.e. she won't be fertile for another couple of weeks). However, if your girlfriend has a shorter cycle or an irregular cycle, she may ovulate earlier, and there could still be sperm to fertilize her egg. Though the chances of this happening are small--most women ovulate more than 7 days after the first day of their period, and the majority of sperm do not survive in the vagina past day 2 or day 3--to be on the safe side, use emergency contraception if there is any uncertainty. If you are over 18, you can find EC without a prescription at most local pharmacies. If you are under 18, you can get it with a prescription from your doctor.

"Sometimes when my boyfriend and I have sex, I have sort of a stomachache after. Is it because it doesn't fit or something? It is not painful during sex, but maybe twice now my stomach has hurt severely after and I have had to lay down for a few minutes. What's the problem?"

The feeling may not be in the stomach per se, but may be more in the lower abdomen. If a lot of air gets pushed into the vagina or anus during intercourse, it may cause discomfort; if your pain subsides fairly quickly (i.e. within an hour), this is most likely the cause. To avoid it in the future, try experimenting with different positions or slower thrusting. Adding lube may also help. If the pain lasts longer, it may be the result of bruising (vaginal or rectal), the cervix being bumped during intercourse (which can be more likely if you are using a large toy or are with a well-endowed partner), or an infection, or it may be an early sign of endometriosis or pelvic inflammatory disease (PID). If you are talking about anal intercourse, longer-lasting pain may also signal infection, or proctitis (inflammation of the rectum). If your pain does not subside quickly, or happens every time you have sex, or if you have additional concerns, it's best to make an appointment with your doctor.

"My partner keeps asking me to shave my pussy. How do I avoid the little red bumps?"

Some people find that a shaved pubic area can increase sexual sensation and pleasure for one or both partners. Nothing ruins the silky-smooth feeling of shaved pubes, however, like nicks, cuts, and razor burn. To keep your down-there area irritation free, here are a few key steps you can take to prevent not-so-sexy (or comfortable!) side effects:

• Start by giving your pubic hair a trim with scissors or electric clippers before getting into the shower or bath. This will help keep your hand-held razor sharp, protecting you from razor burn.
• Try waiting until the end of your shower to shave. The heat and steam soften your hairs and open up your pores, making the shave closer.
• Use shaving cream or gel, which will form a protective barrier between the razor and sensitive skin. Soap can dry out your skin and increase the possibility of irritation.
• Use a brand new razor which can help prevent nicks and cuts.

Beauty experts recommend shaving while standing in the shower, with one leg up on the side of the tub or shower wall. Shave in the direction of the hair. Remember to apply steady but gentle pressure with the razor. After each stroke of the blade, rinse off the razor and try reapplying shaving cream or gel. If the skin of a particular area is loose or very sensitive, you may want to try holding that area taut or out of the way so that it doesn't get caught by the razor.

After shaving, some experts recommend using a gentle astringent like witch hazel or hydrogen peroxide on the skin to prevent infection and ingrown hairs. Many aftershaves designed for men's faces contain alcohol and can sting the sensitive pubic area, so alcohol-free aloe vera gel can be a useful alternative to help soothe any irritation.

Some couples also enjoy shaving each other's pubic hair as an erotic activity. The key to enjoying this type of sex play is to treat each other's genitals delicately and carefully. Mutual shaving is an exercise in trust and communication, since the person wielding the razor isn't able to feel what may hurt and what may feel good to the person they are shaving.

By practicing and following the above steps, you should be able to enjoy an irritation-free shaved pubic region. If you continue to have irritation or problems with shaving your pubic hair, note that waxing may be a good alternative.