Promoting healthy sexuality through sex positive education and activism

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Sex Out Loud’s guide to gettin’ it on without gettin’ it in

Sex is defined differently for each individual; some people consider oral and anal penetration as intercourse, there are those who see kinky play (sometimes without genital touching) as sex, while others strictly see vaginal penetration as fornication. And that’s a good thing! We can all choose the definitions that work best for us.

No matter our definition, there are people who choose to abstain from certain activities, or whatever their definition of “sex” might be. We may choose to engage in everything but penetrative sexual intercourse. We might be saving certain acts for a special someone or spouse. And we might even want to abstain from sexual activity altogether.

The choice to abstain from different sexual activities is something everyone has the right to decide for themselves. Although it may seem inconvenient at times, there are a lot of options available provided we still want to get it on. Here are some tips to get it on without getting it in!


Own It: The Queef

Let’s face it folks, every now and then things happen that we just aren’t expecting to ever happen.  Sometimes we meet someone who isn’t obsessed with J-Law, sometimes we find a hard gnarly thing when we bite into our burgers, sometimes Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t win the Oscar (oh wait we were all expecting that one), and sometimes…we queef.

To get the giggles out of our systems, let’s just throw the word out there a few times. QUEEF QUEEF QUEEF.  Ok sweet, so let’s start with the basics, what is a queef?  Well, when inserting an object into a vagina, the rush of air that comes along with the insertion is forced to exit.  We’ve been learning it in science class since high school, matter cannot be destroyed.  The air that goes into the vagina cannot just disappear, and so it comes out, often resulting in an audible squeak commonly referred to as a “vaginal fart” or a queef.  This is something dreaded by many people with vaginas, but honestly it’s something that you just have to roll with, because at some point it could happen to any vagina.


But, let’s be real, we aren’t always super comfy and confident during sex, it’s a vulnerable time, so let’s go over a few ways that we can recover from what can initially seem as something embarrassing.

1. Add some external noise. So we’ve already established that queefs can be loud.  Well, what do you do when you have a pimple? You cover it up.  The same can go for a queef.  By turning on a sexy time playlist, popping in a movie, or even playing some soothing rainforest sounds in the background of our sexual encounter, the noise produced by a queef can be completely hidden.  Or, if you don’t have access to any of those things, letting out a passionate moan or throwing out some dirty talk can also distract from the queef’s roar.

2. Switch up the position. Ok, we’ve tried adding some music to remedy the situation, but maybe that is really cramping our style; we want to have sex in silence and hear only the gasping breaths of our partner but don’t want to worry about a queef sliding out.  Well, maybe it’s time to switch up the sex position.  Rear entry, commonly referred to as “Doggy Style”, can be totally awesome for tons of reasons (request our Pleasure II program to learn more!), but it also will make you more prone to queefing.  It allows for a much deeper and quicker penetration, pushing more air into the vagina, and thus more opportunities for queefs.  Instead, try switching up the position to missionary, side entry, or receptive partner on top to alleviate the issue.

3. Own it. At the end of the day, the queef is something that cannot always be helped.  That said, it does not have to be something to be embarrassed about.  If you find yourself in a situation where you are having the hottest sex of your life and a queef rears its ugly head during it, keep on going and laugh it off.  If you don’t let it bother you, odds are it won’t bother the person you are with.  You just gotta brush the dirt off your shoulders and let the fun continue.

Happy Queefing!

“If I’m on birth control, do I still need to use a condom?”

We get asked this a lot in our anonymous Q&A sessions, and the answer is: it depends!

Hormonal birth control is extremely effective with perfect use (more than 95% effective), and still pretty darn effective with typical use, but it doesn’t protect against STIs. Use this nifty little flowchart to figure out when condoms will help us reduce our risk of unintended pregnancy and STIs, as well as when our other risk reduction techniques have us covered.

*This flowchart is assuming that at least one person involved is capable of getting pregnant and is also on some form of hormonal birth control (e.g. the pill, the patch, Nuva Ring, etc).

Want more information on birth control methods? Check out, or come to our in-office Birth Control 101 program this Wednesday at 7pm (or request your own!).

A Guide to Casual Sex Minus the Gender Roles

Navigating the world of casual sex isn’t always as easy as it seems. Maybe we’re trying to get with a cutie at a bar or party, or maybe we’re using online dating sites to find ourselves a one-night stand. In either case, a person’s gender marker is often the first way that we are able to connect with them. The Craigslist Casual Encounters section offers categories like “woman for woman,” “man for transgender,” and “man for woman” as guides for people who are looking to hook up. But for many, these categories are too limiting and frequently lead to disappointing sexual encounters that leave us feeling over-stereotyped and under-pleasured. For others who don’t fit into these gender categories, trying to have casual sex can end in violence and discrimination. While these are very serious issues, casual hookups can often be extremely rewarding experiences! The benefits of moving away from gendered sexytime are many, so here’s a guide for how to have casual sex without those gender roles:

1. Know what you want before you go searching for it.

Everybody’s sexuality is unique to them. No matter what kind of body a person has or how they identify, each of us has our own set of likes and dislikes. And that includes you! So what are you looking for tonight? Someone who loves a good make-out sesh? A massage and some oral sex? Rough sex? A threesome? If you don’t know what you’re looking for, try watching some porn or reading erotica to get in the mood and then take the time to figure out what you crave. Working from this starting point will allow you to find partners faster and easier, and will encourage you to speak up for what you want when you’re in the heat of the moment!

2. Focus on sexual interests rather than sexual roles.

Personal ads that seek certain kinds of people often leave us with a lot of questions about what someone is actually interested in doing. As we know, just being a gay boy doesn’t automatically point to a desire for anal penetration. Being a bisexual woman does not mean always wanting a threesome. Being a lesbian isn’t the same as disliking cock. These are stereotypes that erase the complexity of our desires. Try figuring out a potential partner’s specific sexual interests rather than deferring to the roles that you’ve been expected to play during sex.

3. Avoid people who ask a lot of questions about your body.

Questions like “do you shave” and “can you send me more body pics” are not often signs of an understanding, explorative, and fun potential sex partner. It’s difficult to feel comfortable with a stranger having access to our bodies when we know that they are concerned with the tuft of fluff on our pubic bone or with our age and race. This power dynamic can also lead to a one-sided search for pleasure rather than a mutual experience. If there is a certain body type that you are attracted to, then it may be more advantageous to meet people in person rather than over the Internet.

4. Incorporate chatting about pleasure with your foreplay.

Sometimes those first few minutes that we are alone with a new sexual partner can be especially intense. Create a calming atmosphere by putting on some music, burning incense, or changing up the lighting. Sit near your sexy new friend and ask them for consent to kiss, or to cuddle. Consent is a required part of any sexual experience, and it is also one of the fastest ways to be sure that your partner(s) are definitely down to mess around! It also shows that you are interested in talking. As you begin to play, try asking questions like “do you like having your nipples played with” or “what’s your favorite position” to figure out what your partner wants. Hopefully they will do the same! This would also be a great time to talk about each other’s STI statuses and about which barrier methods you want to use.

For any casual encounter, Sex Out Loud recommends that you let a trusted friend know your plans so that they can check up on you. Tell them the address where you are going and set up a specific time for a written or verbal check-in and plan what to do if that does not happen. Follow your instincts! If something feels unsafe to you, it probably is and you have the right to leave at any time.

Hopefully these tips will help you have fun and satisfying casual encounters that don’t leave you feeling unsassified! As always, happy hookups from Sex Out Loud!

How Do I Last Longer? A Guide to Premature Ejaculation

A common question we at Sex Out Loud receive during our Q&A sessions during programs is: “How do I last longer?” While this is a very general question, we’re going to assume right now that it is coming from a person with a penis who is not satisfied with their length of hang time inside their partners.

This is also known as premature ejaculation, rapid ejaculation, and early/rapid climax if you like to get technical; if you don’t, we’ll call it coming too quickly. The National Health and Social Life survey estimates that 1 out of 3 men (the study specifies men as opposed to anyone with a penis) are affected by this sexual disorder.  So what can we do if we find ourselves blowing our loads sooner than we would like? There are a few options, but first let’s get a definition of premature ejaculation.

The International Society for Sexual Medicine gathered their top premature ejaculation experts to create a very precise definition:

Premature ejaculation is a sexual dysfunction characterized by ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of penetration; and, inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all penetrations; and, negative personal consequences, such as distress, bother, frustration, and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy.

With this expert definition we can see that premature ejaculation could be upsetting to some who wish to have longer penetrative sex with their partners. This might leave both receptive and insertive partners feeling unsatisfied in the bedroom, which can be upsetting and even lead to avoidance of sex overall. We definitely don’t want sex to be an upsetting thing, and definitely want people to have all the sex they want, so what can we do to last longer?

1. Relax

Premature ejaculation has a lot to do with anxiety and problems relaxing during sex. It could also stem from stress in our daily lives such as exams, homework and classes. Reminding ourselves to relax before sex can make things more enjoyable and help rid ourselves of anxiety that may be causing premature ejaculation. There are too many techniques to relaxation to mention in this blog post, however, it’s an easy Google search.

2. Talk to our partners.
Telling our partners that we might come faster than we would like is a genuine way of showing that we would like to satisfy them. This can also relax us and relieve anxiety we may have about sex, as we can talk about ways to work around coming too quickly.

3. Increase the foreplay.

Making out, feeling each other up, licking necks, stomachs, nipples, and balls. Not that there’s anything wrong with a quickie, sometimes we just want to bang it out during a study break. But if we take the time to get intimate, hot, and bothered with our partners we can increase the pleasure and duration of sex. If our partners have a vagina, it may take up to 40 minutes of foreplay to get their g-spot aroused. Utilize this time to relax, get into the mood, and enjoy our partner’s body – this will lead to some serious pleasure on both ends. We can also do the same or similar things during foreplay if our partners do not have a vagina.

4. Have more sex.

The saying “practice makes perfect” comes to mind in this scenario. The more we do it, the better we get at pleasing our partners and ourselves. Sex is different to everyone, it doesn’t have to be insertive-into-receptive intercourse, it could be blow jobs, hand jobs, titty fucking, and many other things. The more we do these things and communicate with our partners what we like, the more we can get out of sex.

5. Masturbate more.

Put away some time to get intimate with ourselves on a daily basis. Whether it is in the shower, before bed, after we wake up or in the middle of the day, masturbation can lift our spirits and really take a load off (literally). In fact, Sex Out Loud has a whole blog about treating ourselves to a great masturbation session.

Currently, there are no drugs that are approved by the FDA to treat premature ejaculation. But some antidepressants and topical anesthetic creams are used to help those who come too quickly. If we find that the above guide isn’t helping as much as we’d like, it might be a good idea to see a doctor to explore other treatment options.

Premature ejaculation is a common thing that can be treated with some common techniques. Relaxing, talking to our partners, increasing foreplay, having more sex, and masturbating more can help us overcome premature ejaculation. These tips can lead to a more satisfying sex life and can create some very intimate moments with our partners.

Good luck out there, Badgers, and have happy sex lives!